Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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