Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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