god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
