when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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