so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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