God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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