I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
