Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
