he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
