I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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