I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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