Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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