I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
