I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
