Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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