I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
