the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
