Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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