The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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