Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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