Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
