We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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