Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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