Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
