In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
