It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
