genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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