my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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