help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
