dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
