turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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