the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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