Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize