I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
