i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
