there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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