Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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