Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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