I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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