totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize