i just made my gag reflex go away.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
