I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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