saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
