You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think my moral compass just broke
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