One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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