I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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