end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just threw up on my dentist
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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