I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
