he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
