Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
