Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
