I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize