her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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