Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
