Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
