A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
