i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
