the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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