So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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