I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
