i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
