exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
