Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize