mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
