No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
