do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
