dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
